


The Light That Calls To Me

by fictionalwriter93



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Conflict, Confusion, Desperation, F/M, Family, Hope, Love, Pain, Past Relationship(s), Redemption, Reunions, Revenge, Rivalry, Romance, friendships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-05
Updated: 2016-02-13
Packaged: 2018-05-11 23:17:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 23,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5645416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fictionalwriter93/pseuds/fictionalwriter93
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone has that one weakness which no matter how hard they try they can never deny and his had a name: Ylainr. He tried to deny the light, but whilst she was alive, that light would always be calling to him. Some relationships can never be forgotten. Kylo Ren/OC story starting before the events of TFA, eventually going through them and the aftermath.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> There's a bit of a build with this one, but please keep with me. This is a new thing for me, so I hope you enjoy reading this and any feedback is extremely welcome! :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To clear up the name of my OC and how to say it, Ylainr reads as Yuh-lane-er. Sorry to anyone who I confused with the way I went with the spelling, my fault! Hope you all enjoy the fic!

It was a warm day, the sun was shining and for once Ylainr had nothing to worry about. A young girl with copper hair as bright as that sun and blue eyes as colourful as the sky it sat, Ylainr sat enjoying a rare moment of peace and relaxation. Days like this were few and far between for her, the training that she had undertaken took up almost all of her time, but that was okay because it meant more time with him. 

Ylainr had come to the new Jedi training camp, set up by the last remaining Jedi Luke Skywalker, when she was just a young child – her parents having died and left her an orphan. Luke saw potential in the young girl, not as a Jedi, but certainly as someone who could grasp the combat side of things. And she had done just that far and above Master Skywalker’s expectations she could fight just as well as the Padawans he was training. The place had become her home, the people around her were the new family she needed and Ben…well, Ben was hope for the future. As children, they had bonded quickly – Ben had been sent away by his family, something he knew they did for him but he couldn’t help that small feeling of resentment that brewed in the back of his mind. Ylainr however had no family, the two shared a loneliness that brought them together. Now, they were both young adults who rarely spent time apart except when they had to and this had not gone unnoticed by Luke. Her current situation was one which she felt completely content with, but yet she longed for more. The adventures she had heard about from Luke, she wanted that. She also wanted something she feared she could never have and that was Ben. Love was not the Jedi way, yet she knew she loved him more each day she was with him and he felt the same about her. 

As she sat, she heard the sound of soft footsteps coming towards her –

“I do hope you’re not about to ruin my peace” she said without moving.

“One day, I’ll be able to sneak up on you without you hearing” Ben replied with an almost sulky tone to his voice, as he approached and sat beside her, staring out at the same spot Ylainr’s gaze was fixed upon.

“You couldn’t if you tried” she smiled and turned to look at him, but his face was expressing something she knew he was trying to conceal. “Ben? What’s wrong?”

Trying to return to his usual self, Ben smiled back at her and took her hand. “Nothing! Nothing is wrong, I just…”

“YLAINR!” Ben was cut off by the loud and very excitable shout of a young girl called Rey, who came running over the two of them and jumped into Ylainr’s lap.

“Well now, look who it is! My goodness you’ve got a lot of energy today little Rey, today is your day to relax!” Ylainr hugged the child, she was like the younger sister she had never had and she adored this little, troublesome girl who seemed to adore her just as much.

“I don’t know how to relax. Does it mean I have to sit and stare at things like you and Ben? Because I don’t think that’s very exciting” Rey said in such a sincere way for a girl so young. Ylainr and Ben laughed at her.

“No Rey, not quite. You’ll understand the value of peace and quiet when you grow…” Ben tried so hard to be happy and not to show the conflict running through his head. Something was coming which these two girls he cared so much about were so unaware of, and it was his intention to keep it that way. Ylainr recognised that conflict in his face, this was so out of character for him and she needed to know what was causing him this pain.

“Rey darling, why don’t you use that energy to run all the way home, I promise I will come and see you later and we can play until we fall asleep, how about that?” Ylainr said softly, but with a small hint of urgency. The child rose from Ylainr’s lap and hugged the both of them before running off back the way she came.

“Ben, what is it? Something is wrong I can see it in your face, we’ve known each other too long for you to lie to me. Please trust me?” She spoke calmly, but just as he could not conceal anything from her, nor could she conceal the genuine fear in her voice.

“I can’t. There is something I have to do. Can you do something for me?” he stood as he spoke, looking down at Ylainr who sitting so innocently in front of him, he stared at her face almost as if she was the reason he had to do whatever it was he was speaking of.

“Anything, what do you need?” she rose and stood in front of him, putting her hands on his face.

“I need you to walk away from the training camp. I need you to trust what I’m asking you to do, just start walking away from it and carry on walking” he spoke sternly with a desperation for her to do as he asked. Ylainr’s face turned to one of confusion.

“Ben, why do I need to –“

“Just do it. Please, I need you to trust me now like you always have” he held her face in his hands the same way she held his. As he spoke he put his forehead to hers and there was a moment of silence between them. Ylainr thought for a moment, she felt like she should press him further for answers and dig deeper but instead she agreed to what he had asked, simply answering with a small nod. She kissed Ben on the cheek before turning towards the opposite direction of the camp and beginning to walk without thinking too much on it. She turned one last time to look at him, either because she feared something was about to change or for a small piece of reassurance; he gave her one final smile and she smiled back before heading on her way. The smile faded from his face once she was out of sight - Ben could sense the fear and confusion in her, but he had to do this. It was the only way to save her from what was coming.


	2. Chapter 2

Darkness was setting in and Ylainr had lost track of how long she had been walking. It felt like an eternity with all the thoughts that had been running through her mind – some many times she had stopped and thought about going back, but every time she returned to the thought that Ben must have needed her to do this for a reason, and she must trust him now as she always had before. She continued to walk, unaware that she was being followed. A few moments later, she sensed something was wrong but before she could do or think anything more, she collapsed to floor and fell unconscious. 

“I told you I’d sneak up on you one day” Ben said softly with an almost humour in his voice, lowering the hand he had used to make her collapse with the force. He walked over and knelt beside her, she looked so peaceful in the twilight haze. That fun in his voice had gone and it turned to pain and sadness as he spoke to her unresponsive body –

“I am so sorry. For everything that you will feel when you wake up, for everything we will never have. I have to do this, this is the only way I can protect you, please know that. I love you Ylainr and for that reason, I have to leave you now. I can’t have you holding me back –“ His voice cracked slightly as the tears started to fall silently from his eyes, he placed one final kiss on her forehead before standing once more. “Goodbye…” he whispered as he turned and walked back towards the Jedi training camp, not knowing if this truly was the final time he would be seeing the girl he loved, not knowing if she would survive the night out in the open, but it was better than the fate that the Knights of Ren were about to deal those back at the camp.

***

Time had passed and Ylainr was brought back to the world by the feeling of cold rain on her face. She awoke in complete darkness, expect those small moments of light provided by the storm which was raging around her. Her head was ringing with pain and she thought she could almost hear her own screams inside her head until she realised, those screams were real and they were coming from off in the distance. Without thinking, she rose to her feet and began running towards the sounds of destruction and pain until she came to the edge of a cliff which overlooked the Jedi training camp which to her shock, was on fire and a site of pure terror. Her mouthed dropped and the word “Ben” slipped out without a thought, her first concern was for him and as she was about set off towards the camp once more, a space ship flew over her head towards the site. 

She ran as fast as she could, desperate to find Ben alive and safe, desperate to know what had happened, unaware of the pain she was about to be left with. The ship she had seen earlier had landed at the site a few minutes before she had arrived, and as she approached she could see the figures of two familiar people – Ben’s parents. Luke was speaking to Leia and Han as the rain poured around them, putting out the fires which had raged only moments before. She was desperate for news, but what she heard made her feel as though she had been stabbed through the stomach with the sharpest of knives.

“He’s gone Leia” Luke was explaining, trying to console his sister as she cried in shock.

“What do you mean he’s gone?” Ylainr had stopped a few feet away from them, but she heard those words as clearly as any spoken directly to her. Her face had dropped, her eyes filling with tears, the terror clearly evident on her face. They all looked at her, but nobody answered.

“Who is this, Luke?” Leia asked, she could see Ylainr’s fear and she already knew the answer.

“This is the girl. The one I was speaking of, Ben has been friends with her for years and I fear…he loved her, I tried to warn him –“ Leia cut her brother off with a look before he said any more, trying not hurt this girl who was looking so fragile any more than she needed to be.

“Where is Ben? Please, tell me he is safe” she started to cry, she thought she already knew what they were not telling her, that he had been killed. Leia approached her and took her hand before speaking in her usual composed way –

“Child, this will not be easy to hear. Ben is not dead. But it was him who did all of this. He led an attack on the camp, none have been left alive except for Luke. He was gone before we got here, we do not know where he is now and I fear, we have lost him forever” Ylanir refused to believed what she was hearing, shaking her head as Leia spoke; this could not be true, Ben was not a monster, he was kind and loving and this was not the boy she had grown up with. Leia embraced her and in that moment, all of the emotion of the inside of Ylainr came flooding out. The tears would not stop and she sank to her knees in the wet mud, her cries become uncontrollable as Leia held her close to try and console her, no doubt even though she was feeling the same on the inside. So many thoughts ran through Ylainr’s mind; what if I had not walked away? What if I had just turned back? She almost felt as though her loving Ben had been the start of the path that had led to this moment, and a great weight of guilt was building on her shoulders.

“What do we do now?” Han finally chipped in, himself completely devastated by the events that had unfolded.

“You should take her with you. She has no family, nowhere to go. If there is one person who may be able to bring your son back, it is her. Keep her close.” Luke spoke quietly, he tried to be as helpful as he could but in that moment all he was feeling himself was guilt. The two men walked over the two women still locked in an emotional embrace and helped them to their feet. Leia took her hand once more and started to lead her away from the site to their ship, as a sudden thought raced through her mind, she turned back to Luke urgently – 

“Rey?!” Where was Rey. How could she have not given a single thought to that innocent child. Luke lowered his head and struggled to find the words –

“There was no sign of Rey…we can only assume the worst” Even Luke struggled to hide the anguish those words had caused him. Ylainr stared back at him as yet another flood of tears fell from her eyes, the pain of two losses overcame her body and she let out a piercing cry of anger and devastation. The cry released so much energy that as it rang out, objects flew back from around her, the ship began to vibrate and Luke rushed over to use the same force trick as Ben had used on her earlier. She blacked out once more and Han carried her to the ship, ready to leave this scene of destruction behind. As Luke said goodbye to his sister once more, he spoke sternly –

“She must never remember that. No one can know what happened just then. If she is force sensitive, Ben will look for her and destroy her. She is the only one who can truly bring him back to the light, keep her safe” and with a final hug between them, Luke watched Leia board the ship and it flew off into the night sky. It was time for himself now, to disappear.


	3. Chapter 3

When Ylainr awoke once more, she knew not how long it was since she had fallen unconscious. Her eyes blinked involuntarily as she adjusted to the light of her new surroundings, a beautiful room with a window looking out over a lush green landscape. It took a few moments for her to remember the events that had brought her to this new place, and the pain and sadness all came rushing back to her. All she could do was lie there, completely numb to the world and everyone in it, no matter how much kindness or compassion they gave her, nothing and no-one could bring her back to the world of the living; she was lost in the past which had so abruptly been taken from her.

Years had passed and life had gone on to some extent. After the events of Ben’s betrayal, Ylainr withdrew into herself, rarely leaving her new room provided by Han and Leia, speaking only in short sentences, her facial expression remaining neutral. She grew over the years to be a beautiful woman, her long curly hair framing her pale, forever sad looking face, her frame thin from the toll her suffering had taken on her. As time had gone on, much had changed around her – the strain between Han and Leia after losing Ben to the dark side resulted in Han leaving, the First Order had risen and the new name terrorising the galaxy was Kylo Ren. Ylainr knew who he was, but she refused to accept it. She did not actively involve herself with the Resistance, but she was where she needed to be if she ever hoped to bring Ben back. 

It was just another day for her, sitting on the end of her bed staring out of her window, much the same way she had been staring into the distance on that last day at the Jedi training camp. The galaxy was carrying on around her, but she felt as though she had been frozen in time since that fateful day. Her thoughts were disrupted by a knock on her door, but she did not answer, she never did. The door opened and Leia walked in –

“How are you, Ylainr?” she spoke softly, almost in a motherly way. She was the closest thing to Ben that she had left after all.

“I am the same as always, General. Nothing changes” Ylainr replied calmly, there was no emotion in her voice nor her face.

“Dear girl, I know you feel it still as much as you did that day, but please come with me. Forget the Resistance, I need you with me this time. I’m sending out the pilots to defend against an attack by the First Order and they say that Han is there. Won’t you help an old lady out with an awkward reunion?” Leia always tried to make her smile, no matter how many times she had failed in the past. Ylainr felt a duty to this kind woman who had taken her in when she had no real reason to and for some reason, she managed this day to agree to a mission.

“If I can’t do anything to help myself, I must make myself useful and help you. But…will he be there?” she hesitated to ask, not sure if she wanted to really know the answer.  
“Dear girl, it is entirely possible but you must remember, that boy we all knew and loved is lost in there. Kylo Ren is the man he has become and although I truly believe Ben is in there, I fear seeing him now would only add to your pain” Leia wanted to protect this girls heart from anymore loss, but she was also conflicted by what Luke had told her, that Ylainr had a chance of bringing Ben back to the light. Now however, was not the time for them to try, that much she could feel.

“I have never seen this ‘Kylo Ren’ and I don’t want to. If I see him like that, Ben will die in my memory and all I will be able to see is a man that the whole galaxy fears. I thought that if I ignored everything I have heard, if I didn’t see him again, then it wouldn’t be real but one day Leia, I’m sorry, but I must face him again. There is so much left unfinished, so much I need to know and if I could just try, then maybe he…” Ylainr grew more frantic as her words went on, it almost took Leia by surprise to hear such emotion within her voice again after all these years, but she had to calm her down fearing that passion could lead to another outburst like that of the day she was brought here.

“Enough now Ylainr, you are upsetting yourself again. This is not the time to think about what could have been or what yet still may be. There are people who need you more, and I have a ship waiting to get us off this planet for a little bit of adventure. Shall we?” Ylainr regained her composure and gave a silent nod as Leia led the way to the ship which would carry them to their destination, and what was going to be the start of many events which would affect Ylainr greatly.

She dressed as quickly as she could, pinning her long copper curls back. It was very rare that she left her room and for some reason, she was trying to make an effort – perhaps it was the thought of seeing Ben again, that hope of him seeing her that made her try to do as Leia asked. As she left her room and walked around the Resistance base, those who saw her stopped in their tracks, unable to hide their thoughts of her. Her lack of involvement and rare appearances had made her a source of gossip for the rebels, some of them knowing of the history she had with their greatest enemy and for this reason there was a great suspicion surrounding her. Ylainr tried to keep her gaze lowered so not to encourage eye contact with anyone around her, she could feel their judgement being cast on her without wishing to acknowledge it any more than she had to. As she reached the site of the ship awaiting her, her silence was broken by a familiar voice –

“Well, look who made it out her room! She lives!”. Poe Dameron, Leia’s most trusted pilot and one of the most respected members of the Resistance was one of the only other people Ylainr had come across in her time on the planet. His wit and charm could not be denied, even by a woman so broken emotionally as she was, and his little remark had managed to bring a small smile to her face.

“It had to happen sometime, Poe. Take care of yourself up there” she shouted after him as he ran to his aircraft. He gave her a small nod, almost assuring her that everything would be fine and after she had watched the pilots take off, she headed towards the ship that would carry her to the site of the battle.

 

_______________________________________

By the time the ship carrying the two women had arrived, the battle had been won and the First Order had retreated back to the skies. The scene around Ylainr was one of brutal destruction, where once stood Maz’s palace now stood piles of stone and rubble, but she could not help feel peace at the sight of new surroundings after so long. The others had left the ship to assist with any survivors that needed helping, and Leia had been reunited with Han only moments ago. Rather than ruin what she had considered to be a beautiful reunion between these two kind people she had come to know, she stayed back and loitered at the entrance of the carrier. The reunion before her did not help her desperation for that reunion of her own she had dreamt of for the long years that had gone by, and she heard Han talking to Leia, telling her that he had seen their son, that he was here only moments ago. The words went round and round in her mind, she felt as though a great weight was pressing on her chest but even with these thoughts of Ben being so close, he had never felt further away. Ylainr propped herself up on the side of the ship, regaining control of her breathing and doing her best to keep those emotions locked up inside her; there were two people already suffering and she did not wish to add to their pain. 

The sound of members of the Resistance rushing past her with survivors, brought her back to full concentration, and the sound of a familiar Wookie’s cry was more than enough to startle anyone. She took the cry which was directed at her as a ‘hello’ and she herself smiled back at the creature which had always been kind to her and returned his greeting. Chewbacca spoke to Han, which brought Ylainr to the centre of his attention also, before simply patting her on the head and walking onto the ship himself. Han stood there looking at this now grown woman whom he had last seen as teenager, the look in his eyes almost seemed to convey that he was thinking what he would be seeing if it were in fact his son stood there before him. He and Leia approached the ship together, Han stopping in front of Ylainr and placing a gentle hand on her shoulder –

“It’s good to see you, kid. Really good to see you” and he truly meant it. Ylainr was the closest thing to a reminder of his son he had, before the darkness took him.

“Thank you, sir. You too” and she meant it. Leia and Han, for all their faults, were the parents she had never had. 

Just before he was about to proceed, he suddenly looked as though an important thought had just jumped back into his mind as he turned around and shouted after someone out of Ylainr’s view.

“Hey, Finn! If you’re coming with us, come with us. We’ve gotta go” and with that, a young man appeared running towards the group, jumping onto the ship. He looked flustered, worried, he was constantly trying to speak to the two of them, telling them how they needed to go and rescue a girl who had just been taken by the First Order. Ylainr could see that all Leia and Han wanted to do in that moment was be allowed some moments to speak about what had just transpired, they wanted to talk about their son. So, trying to help everyone out she stepped in and took Finn to one side.

“Finn, is it? I’m Ylainr. Why don’t you tell me what you need to tell them and I’ll see what we can do, hm? They need their time, it’s nothing personal. Your friend, what happened?” She walked him to an area where he could sit down and take time to collect his thoughts, once he was calmer she brought him a glass of water, waiting for him to get whatever he needed to say off of his chest.

Finn spoke desperately and passionately about a friend; a girl he had not long met who had been taken by the First Order. He revealed how he was in fact a Stormtrooper who had left behind that life, that he had been helped by a Resistance pilot to escape and that he needed to save this girl from the horrors which he knew were awaiting her.

“I see. My goodness Finn, you’ve had quite an adventure. What is her name, the girl?” she asked, trying to take in all that she just been told.

“Rey” he replied. A sudden sinking feeling waved through Ylainr’s body for a reason she could not explain. It must have shown in her face as Finn tilted his head slightly as he enquired whether or not she was alright.

“Yes, I’m fine, thank you. I just…that name, I feel like I should know it” she spoke calmly through her confusion, her mind scrambled trying to place that name which she was almost certain she had heard before. Snapping herself out of the confusion, she rose to her feet, trying not to dwell too much on this girl who surely if she had known, she would’ve remembered. 

“We’ll stay here til we land Finn. Once we’re back at base, I’ll take you to Leia. I’m sure she will be able to help your friend”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys reading this are enjoying, please do leave feedback if you are!


	4. Chapter 4

How could he have been so stupid? How could he slip up like this, some many times in one day? These were the thoughts than ran through Kylo Ren’s mind as he stormed through the long and winding corridors towards his own private room. The girl he had captured, the girl who held the key to finding Skywalker had escaped and he, having just destroyed the room in which she had been held in a fit of anger, was desperate for some respite from his strong emotions. The problem was, it was not only anger he was feeling and Supreme Leader Snoke had sensed it – he had already been confronted about his compassion he felt for this girl, but why? Deep inside, he already knew the answer.

During his interrogation of the scavenger girl, he had entered her mind and flicked through the fragments of her memories like turning pages within a book. He had felt confident until the girl was suddenly able to resist his interference, as he had landed on one memory not even the girl understood. He saw himself, the young boy who had been training at the Jedi camp, he saw the girl he was now torturing as a young innocent child and the worst of all, he saw that face which had haunted his dreams since the day he made the choice to go to the darkness. That young woman he had so loved and so betrayed, this young child sitting in her lap and hugging her, even hugging him before she went on her way. It was the memory of the last time he, Ylainr and Rey were together; a memory he had long since tried to supress.   
After he left the training camp behind all of those years ago, he had spent so much time trying to erase those who he felt could have held him back and with Rey, he had almost succeeded. 

Ylainr however, she could never be erased. The two of them had a connection rooted so deep that he could not forget a single moment that she was in his life. Ever since he left her lying out in the open that night, his dreams had been haunted by her face, his imagination playing cruel tricks on him as to what her fate was and every possibility tore him apart that little bit more. Some nights, he would hear her voice and follow her as she walked and walked, just like he asked her to; but as he tried to speak to her in the dream, she would continue walking as if she were doomed to do nothing else for the rest of her days. Other nights, his mind would show him her lifeless body lying in the exact spot he had left her – but the one possibility his dreams would never grant him was the possibility that she had survived, that she was alive and out there still. The guilt played on his mind day in and day out until he had learnt to channel it into his outbursts of anger. But now, having just seen a real memory, his anger was giving way to sorrow and that made him feel weak. Rey herself during the interrogation had managed to see into Ren’s mind, confirming his fear that he will never be as strong as Darth Vader. He knew it was his connection to Ylainr that would always hold him back, but no matter what he did, he could never seem to sever it. 

He returned to his room and once the doors had closed behind him, he took his mask off and threw it away from him as he tried to breathe the real air around him. He paced frantically, he had not lost control of his feelings like this before and it was just as Rey said – he was afraid. Truly, for the first time in all his years of darkness, he was the one who was afraid. He sat before his grandfathers damaged mask once more –

“Grandfather, please, the light…I feel it more strongly than ever. If you can help me to let her go, if I can forget her then the light will never call to me again. She is the light that calls to me. If she is gone then, the light is gone...ahh!” He screamed out in a pained frustration. He was thinking over what he said in that room, he knew he was telling himself to destroy the woman he loves but he knew that he could never do that. What he had done already was too much for him to cope with. There was a sudden realisation in that moment which crept into Kylo’s head.

“But…if I can still feel the light, does that mean – she’s alive? Ylainr, she is alive? I didn’t kill her? I didn’t let her die that night? She’s…alive” There was the first hint of pure joy in his voice since before the days of darkness. Ben was winning, Kylo Ren was fading. At least for that moment, it could not last when there is such conflict contained within one person. If he had not killed her, then he was not truly at one with the dark side as much as he had thought, there was hope in his life, yet there was also the knowledge that her life was what was keeping him from being who he believed he should be. If Snoke knew about this woman who held the key to it being Ben or Kylo Ren who would win out, he was certain it would end with her death – it would at least rid him of that call of the light he battled with on a daily basis but after everything, would the dark side truly be worth losing her for? A question that would stay in his mind the rest of his days.

But now, what was he to do? Ren had already been confronted about his compassion once by Snoke, and he did not intend to have his commitment to the dark side questioned any further. With this, he picked up his mask and returned it to its rightful place, before walking out into the corridors once more to give instruction to the Stormtroopers about finding their escaped prisoner. As the search went on, he suddenly felt a presence on the Starkiller base that he had not felt in a very long time.

“Han Solo” he said through his mask, making his voice distorted and almost electrical sounding. His father was here and Snoke had warned him about the test that was to come – perhaps Snoke was right, perhaps if he…killed his father…the light would be dimmed enough to allow his full potential to the darkness. If he passed this test, Ylainr would remain safe. A sacrifice, he felt, had to be made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise this will start picking up a bit more from now, back-story can feel like it drags a bit but thank you to those sticking with me on this! Again, any and all feedback very welcome.


	5. Chapter 5

Night was falling back at the base of the Resistance. News had come in that the Starkiller was charging up it’s terrifying weapon once more; a weapon which had been used earlier that day on the planets which made up the Republic, destroying millions of lives with a single blast. The Resistance knew that they had to act and fast – Poe was leading a team of pilots to attempt a sabotage mission on the First Order’s base, whilst Finn, Han and Chewbacca had gone to rescue Rey. Ylainr had almost considered going with them, she told herself it would be a sensible idea in case she was to find Ben and talk him into coming home for the good of everyone, but she knew it was out of a selfish desperation to see him again no matter what the outcome. Leia and Han made their case for her to stay on the base, quietly confident that their missions would be a success and Han himself, should he come across Kylo Ren, would try to talk to his son himself. In all truth, Ylainr knew this was the right course of action, her lack of involvement in the world had caused that knowledge of combat she once had to dwindle and she was certain that when she did face Ben again, there would be a need for her strength to be with her.

Having seen those who were leaving for their missions off with Leia, having made sure she was alright after once again watching Han leave, the excitement of the day had taken its toll on Ylainr’s energy levels. She decided to return to her room and rest, besides, should the mission fail and the planet be destroyed, she would much rather not know about it. For the first time in years, it did not take her long to drift off into a deep sleep and her dreams were pleasantly filled with happiness. That was until the dreams turned into a nightmare – if only however, it was simply just a nightmare.

Her vision within the dream became dark and distorted; she could hear and feel what was taking place but she could not see clearly. She could determine that she was on a bridge, standing between two figures, an exchange of words taking place between them – from the voices and what she could just about make out, one of the figures was Han. As her vision switched from him to the other figure on the walkway, the voice she was hearing was deep, the face she could not see clearly but she knew who it was. Han was stepping closer to his son who was dressed completely in black, his mask that Ylainr had heard about was removed and the frustration that she could not truly see the man her love had grown into started to cloud the dream further. The words between them continued –

“I am being torn apart. I want to be free of this pain…” she heard Ben speak again, and within her she could feel the true conflict inside of him with every word he said. Somehow, there was a connection between them that was being allowed to live again and she could feel each emotion rushing through Ben’s head as clearly as if the thoughts were her own. Those confusing thoughts had distracted her from the details of the dream, until her focus came crashing back into that dark world – Ben, or perhaps rather Kylo Ren, had activated his lightsabre, a beam of red light glowing on the faces of both father and son as the cries of Rey, Finn and Chewbacca rang out in the distance. Ylainr was desperate to wake up, desperate to escape this vision but she could not. She saw Han put his hand on the still hazy face of his child before falling over the side of the bridge into the clouds below. She needed this to be over, but her connection with Ben was still intact and she felt a weakness growing within him, a confusion as to why he did not feel more powerful. He felt fear. Little did she know, that fear was related to her – Ren did not feel that connection to the dark side that he was desperate for, that he had hoped would come from killing his father but now he knew, it was her or no-one that could destroy the light inside him. The sound of Chewbacca’s distorted cry rang out once more as he shot his weapon at Kylo Ren; on impact of the shot, Ylainr escaped the vision with a cry and she shot upright in her bed, feeling the pain where Ben had just been hit. Beads of sweat were trickling down her face and chest, she panted desperately to regain control of her breathing, trying to compute what she had just seen and felt. No matter how hard she tried to convince herself that it was truly just a nightmare, she knew it was real.

After a few minutes of trying to catch her breath and being able to think clearer, she dashed out of her room towards the main control room of the base. She ran as fast as she could to Leia who at first she could not see, until her eyes found her sitting in the corner of a room, the same look of pain on her face as had been painted on Ylainr’s since awakening from her vision. The two women’s eyes met across the room; they both knew what had happened, Leia had felt it, Ylainr had seen it. She crossed the room slowly towards Leia, trying her best to keep her composure in front of the women who always looked so cool and calm regardless of what she truly felt. Kneeling down in front of Leia, she looked up into her eyes and the tears began to fall between them.

“I am…so, so sorry” Ylainr said with such genuine meaning in her voice. Despite their time apart and differences, she knew Leia loved Han still.

“I should never have let him go. This is all my fault. If I hadn’t asked him to try and bring Ben home, he would be coming home to me himself. Now I have neither” Leia was crying, but her voice remained unchanged. Ylainr admired how she could keep her emotions so well controlled.

“Please, do not blame yourself. I think…Han would have wanted to try. He knew the risks. But Leia, I saw it all, I had a dream…a vision? I felt everything that Ben was feeling. He was so conflicted, so confused, I felt his pain! I could feel the light contending with the darkness inside him and for a moment, the light was winning” She felt bad speaking of Ben in a positive light considering what had just transpired, but she could not let go of the fact he felt true conflict. If he was truly lost to her, surely the act would have been easy for him?

“What was it about Ben that made you fall in love with him?” Leia asked, almost out of the blue. Ylainr was a bit taken aback by the question, but her answer was easy.

“He was special. He was kind. He made me feel like nobody else could. I remember when I realised that this boy who had been my best friend for so long, suddenly started to become the person I pictured myself with for my whole life. And when he told me that he loved me back, it was the happiest moment I can think of. He promised to protect me always, but we both knew it was not the Jedi way to fall in love. That passion which he said he had for me now helps to fuel the darkness inside him and that’s why I can’t help but feel that this is partly my fault. I think he began to fear losing me. Luke tried to warn him, but he wouldn’t listen” it was the first time she had spoken so freely about her love for Ben and it felt liberating to do so. Leia sat there intently listening to the account of the son she remembered.

“I know one thing Leia – no matter what he does, I will never be able to stop loving him. I can’t give up on him, not now that I know the light is still there” she comforted herself with that knowledge, trying to take the edge off of the pain which was caused by the vision.

“Neither will I, dear girl. If anyone can bring him back Ylainr, it is you” Leia bent down and kissed the top of Ylainr’s head. Ylainr was filled with both hope that her words were true, but fear that if Han had failed, she too could fail.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A slightly shorter chapter featuring a flashback in italics. I do hope you're enjoying this so far, if you are please do leave a comment at the end! Thanks guys :)

_The destruction of the Jedi training centre was all but complete. Luke could not be found, Ylainr was missing from the scene but there was one child who had yet to have their fate dealt to them. Ben led his group, the Knights of Ren in his mission to destroy the Jedi, he had sacrificed the girl he had fallen in love with for his new purpose but this little girl who was standing before them trembling with fear was his final test. Little Rey stood frozen to the spot, white as a sheet at what she had seen around her, staring up at the men in the scary masks. Although she could not see his eyes, Ben’s gaze was fixed on her – he vowed to leave none alive, but this child who he had cared for was presenting a great challenge to his conscience._

_"Come on Kylo, finish it!” one Knight shouted over the noise of the rain falling heavy and hard around them. When Ben did not respond, the Knight rushed forward himself to strike the little girl down but before he could reach her, the red glow of a lightsaber flashed through him as Ben ran through one of his own. The man fell to his knees with a great cry of pain and Rey watched in horror as she began to stumble backwards away from Ben. As she backed away, he walked forward with a strong and determined gait, picking Rey up and calming her using his force powers. He took her to a smaller ship of his own, telling his fellow Knights they would regroup on a pre-agreed planet not too far from here. He took off quickly and with the subdued Rey on board, flew to a nearby planet called Jakku. How could he murder someone so young and innocent who had been like a sister to him? The simple answer was that he couldn’t. This would be his final act of mercy, erasing her memories of her past and allowing her to grow and live a new life away from all of the conflict that was to come across the galaxy. Besides, should Ylainr have survived her exposure to elements that night, he believed she would already hate him enough because of what he had done, keeping Rey alive was partly for her – a small consolation, although Ylainr herself may never have known it. As he left Rey on Jakku, the cries of the young girl begging him to come back began to add to that growing well of guilt inside him, a guilt that could surely only grow from here on._

* * *

 

Kylo Ren lay on the ground in the dark, his consciousness fading in and out. His wound from Chewbacca’s crossbow combined with his injuries from his battle with Rey, he was in a bad way. The cold snow was like knives against his skin and the heat from his fresh scar across his face put there by Rey and Luke’s lightsaber burned like fire. The pain was leaving him numb and time felt as though it was standing still – muffled sounds of the planet beginning to crumble around him rang in his ears yet there was urgency within him to move. It was the first time he actually felt almost at peace, finally alone with his thoughts. The battle with Rey had unlocked memories he had tried to supress; the little girl at the Jedi training camp, the one who treated him like a brother, the one who Ylainr had adored – the child that everyone had assumed dead.

It was taking all of his energy to stay awake now, but Kylo had begun contemplating this moment potentially as his death. The words he had spoken to his father about wishing to be free of the pain he felt were true and perhaps this was finally that release he had been craving deep down. He almost considered that it would be better this way – Ylainr would at least be safe without having Snoke learn of her, if he died there would be no reason for her to come to harm for his own dark purpose. Perhaps with his death also, Ylainr would able to forgive him for leaving her and destroying the bond that they had shared; part of him had always been desperate for her forgiveness despite his genuine belief in his cause. The thought of her running from him and seeing him as a monster just as Rey now did hurt him to the point he would scold himself for thinking of that possibility. The guilt inside him for what he had just done on the bridge was also playing heavily on his mind – why did he not feel stronger? Snoke had promised him that this would be his greatest test, so why was he not fully one with the dark side?

These questions rang in his head over and over, he dwelled on them til the light which had momentarily been surfacing again was blown out by the anger and negativity his determination to correct his ‘mistakes’ of the last day or two. He also had become fixated on his own weaknesses, his loss in the battle to this untrained young woman who had helped to keep the map to Skywalker from him, who had helped to destroy the great base of The First Order – a girl who had it not been for his own compassion and stupidity, would never have been alive to interfere. The darkness was once more winning and keeping him from passing out completely, and as he embraced the anger and hatred growing within him he heard the distant sound of a ship approaching through all of the explosions until a beam of light settled on him – his rescue had arrived.


	7. Chapter 7

The Millennium Falcon had just landed back at the base of the Resistance. Everyone rushed outside to greet the survivors; Finn had been taken for medical treatment after the injuries sustained from his battle with Kylo Ren and Rey was slowly walking away from the ship, almost in a daze. Her gaze had met with Leia’s and there was a moment of recognition between them, likely due to the grief they felt between each other for the loss of Han. Ylainr was eager to meet this girl ever since Finn had told her her name; there must have been a reason she had felt the way she did in that moment and she wanted to try and understand what that reason was. She held back, allowing Leia to be the first one to speak to Rey after her ordeal, Leia was good at being the motherly figure. Leia could also see in Ylainr’s face a need to speak to their newly arrived guest and after a few moments, she led Rey over.

“Rey, this is Ylainr. I’m going to leave you with her for a while, she will look after you. Ylainr, make sure she has everything she needs”

“Of course, Leia, thank you” she spoke to Leia but her eyes were fixed on this young woman in front of her, desperately trying to look for answers in her face. Leia left the two of them alone together.

“Hello Rey” Ylainr spoke almost hesitantly, she wanted to ask her so many questions but she knew the girl had already been through enough without this stranger suddenly interrogating her. Instead of speaking further out in the open, Ylainr decided to take Rey inside where she could get herself cleaned up and find a change of clothes. They did not speak much on the way, there was an awkwardness in the air between them, like two old friends who had not seen each other in so long, they had almost forgotten how to communicate with each other. After Rey had freshened herself up, she joined Ylainr in her room and sat down beside her –

“This may seem completely strange but…I feel like I know you from somewhere” Rey blurted out all of a sudden. Ylainr was surprised at her words, but glad that she had raised the question that was burning inside of her first.

“And this may sound completely stupid, but as soon as Finn told me your name, I felt the same” the two looked relieved that there was a mutual confusion. “Where are you from, Rey?”

“I…I don’t know really. I remember being left on Jakku as a child, but it’s almost as if I can’t remember who it was that left me there. I’ve been waiting and waiting for them to come back for me, but nobody ever did. I was told the belonging I seek was ahead of me, not behind, so I guess they never are coming back. But when I saw you, I felt like I’d seen you before – I don’t suppose you’ve ever passed through Jakku?” Rey asked in her own witty way, an almost cheeky naivety which Ylainr again felt she had seen before.

“I can’t say I have. The only places I have known are here and the Jedi training camp, back before Ben…” she cut herself off before finishing the sentence. Her eyes lowered and it suddenly occurred to her that speaking of Ben in front of a girl he had just terrorized may have not been the best idea.

“You knew him?” Rey asked, a look of huge surprise came across her face. “Kylo Ren, you knew him before…before all of this happened?”

Although she had only been with Rey a little while, she already felt the closet to making a friend she had in such a long time, she feared speaking of Ben now would make Rey see her in the same light as she saw him. But the question had been asked, so she was willing to answer.

“I…yes. I knew Ben Solo. We grew up together. The things I hear about him now, all the talk of Kylo Ren, I promise you back then he was so different. He was kind and gentle and more caring than anyone I’ve known” she was desperate to make Rey understand. Rey could hear it clear enough in Ylainr’s voice to know her true meaning in her words.

“You loved him, didn’t you?” she was almost shocked. The man she had been tortured by, the man she had left wounded in the snow as the planet collapsed around them – he meant something to this woman sat in front of her and she almost felt guilty for her part in whatever his fate had been.

“I still do, Rey. And I always will. I have faith in him, I can feel the light still trying to fight inside and I have to believe that one day, the light will win and my Ben will come home. Without that belief, I have nothing” Ylainr tried to speak as calmly as she could. The subject brought about such passion in her voice that it trembled slightly under her attempts to keep herself strong.

“Ylainr, the last time I saw him, he was lying wounded in the snow and I have to tell you that it was my fault. I had to defend myself but…there was a moment, a moment where I heard a voice in my head telling me to kill him. I almost gave in to the darkness there and then myself, didn’t I?” Ylainr’s face dropped slightly.

“The voice, did you recognise it?” she asked urgently.

“No but it was a male voice, it sounded old” Rey replied trying to remember what she could. Ylainr needed to hear no more, she knew who the voice belonged to – it was Snoke. Another of her worst fears had just been confirmed; Ben was simply the best he had at that moment in time, should another more promising apprentice come along, he was disposable and in danger. If he had tried once to get rid of him, she was certain just as Han said that once his purpose had been served, Snoke would crush him. Her thoughts had distracted her from replying to Rey’s last words.

“Ylainr, the planet, it collapsed, for all I know Kylo, I mean Ben is already dead” she hesitated to say it but she knew it was a possibility considering how narrow her own escape had been. Ylainr almost recognised that trace of guilt in Rey’s voice and smiled at her reassuringly.

“He survived Rey. I’d feel it if he were dead. I don’t know how but I always seem to know with him. Once you’ve had that connection with someone it never leaves you” the two of them sat for a moment before there was a small knock at the door. Poe had been sent by Leia to get them both to the main control room, the map to locate Luke had been completed.

* * *

Rey had her new mission; find Luke Skywalker and train with him to become a Jedi, giving Rey a new purpose and reigniting Luke’s own purpose. Ylainr accompanied Leia to say goodbye, in their short time together these two young women had found a great friendship. As Leia finished saying her goodbyes, it was Ylainr’s turn to make her own.

“You look after yourself Rey, Luke is a great teacher. You’ll be a Jedi before you know it. I hope you find the belonging you’ve dreamed of” she smiled at Rey, before Rey herself leapt into the arms of her new found friend. The sudden connection of the embrace sent Ylainr’s mind racing; memories of each other as children, memories of days spent together playing, memories of Ben as a young man, every single moment the two had shared flashed into her head like photographs. She took a sudden intake of breath as everything fell into place for her – Rey, the little girl from the training camp who she had adored like a sister, who she had believed to be dead was standing before her grown up and pride filled her heart. The same had not seemed to happen to Rey, so she was a little confused as she saw tears filling Ylainr’s eyes and she took a step back. With a small smile and a nod, Rey head off towards the Falcon and took off towards her own new adventure. She watched as the ship took off once more before a huge smiled beamed across her face, the sheer joy of having someone from that time when she was so happy back in her life once more had begun to heal the pain of the past.

She felt a great energy and aliveness inside of her unlike any before. The realisation that it must have been Ben who had taken the little girl away to Jakku and spared her life just as he had done her own, an action done out of compassion – if he could have done this back then, she believed this was the final proof she needed that the light was always going to be in him and it was about time she started looking for a way to draw it out.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Moving into post TFA, Ylainr is ready to try and bring Ben back to the light. But nothing is ever that easy.

It had been almost a year since the events of the Starkiller base had transpired and Rey had set off to find Luke Skywalker. Having successfully located him, she had remained on that island she had so often dreamt of to train with the Jedi master. Her training was going extremely well and she had even managed to bring Luke back to the base to reunite with Leia. In her time with Luke, he had managed to help Rey unlock most of the memories from her childhood, including the ones which featured Ylainr and the young Ben Solo, allowing her to fully embrace her sister-like figure back into her life and feel like she had a family once again. Everything within the Resistance felt positive once more – Finn had recovered from his injuries albeit he was left very scarred, however he was now fully involved with a cause that he felt was truly worthy, and this boosted his spirits greatly. Leia upon hearing of Ylainr’s memories of Rey and the belief that Ben had spared the girl thus proving the light was still within him was more optimistic about bringing him home than ever before. Ylainr herself had been training to get her strength back up and it did not take long for those previously near dangerous combat skills to return to her.

The threat from the First Order however was far from being eradicated; a new base was being expanded from a smaller outpost located on a nearby planet. Rumours of Kylo Ren having completed his training under Supreme Leader Snoke had reached the Resistance, and the stories being told were of a man now more powerful than ever as well as more violent and full of hatred, determined to become one with the dark side. His previous failings had fuelled his desperation to prove himself once more to Snoke, as well as himself and an ever more resentful General Hux – the man had become more spiteful than ever after his humiliation of losing the Starkiller base to a few insignificant rebels and he partly blamed it on what he believed to be Ren’s weakness. If Hux had his way, he would have left Kylo Ren for dead that day the planet collapsed around him.

The time had come for Ylainr to try and bring Ben back to the light. A team comprising of Rey, Finn and Ylainr herself were on route to infiltrate this new First Order base, ready with Poe on stand-by should a rescue pilot be needed. 

“You sure you know what you’re getting yourself into, Ylainr?” Poe asked over the comms. Although he knew the mission was with good intentions, he could not help but feel protective over his now good friend after experiencing Kylo Ren’s torture techniques first hand. 

“Not really Poe, but I have to do this. I have to at least try” she replied, appreciating his concern but reminding him it was a necessary course of action.

“If you need anything, you get in touch okay? We’re not leaving without you” he said. 

“I don’t intend to be left here on my own, so that’s good to know! Don’t worry. I have to get ready, we’re getting close. See you on the other side” she signed off and made her way to Rey and Finn who were in the cockpit.

“Okay Ylainr, we’re nearly at the specified landing spot, are you ready for this?” Rey asked, even she worried about this mission having faced Kylo herself, but if her memories she now had possession of had taught her one thing, it was then Ben really did love her, at least back then.

“As ready as I’ll ever be. You two make sure you hide this thing somewhere safe, I’ll try and get this over with as quickly as I can. But…if something does go wrong, I want you both to promise me you’ll get out of here” that statement certainly but a damper on the atmosphere. Rather than responding however, both Finn and Rey gave a small but sad nod, having learnt when it comes to Ben it just wasn’t worth arguing with Ylainr. 

The ship landed in an area of the planet which provided sufficient cover for them to go undetected, at least for a while. As the door opened and the air of this new planet filled Ylainr’s lungs, she took what felt like the deepest breath of her life before taking the first step off of the ship and towards the man she loved. The planet was cold and everything that looked as though it once possessed life was either dying or dead around her. The air felt heavy with negativity and she tried her best to ignore the element of fear that had always been in her head. She told herself to just keep walking, then she imagined Ben telling her just as he had done that day he turned to the dark side. “Wouldn’t it be ironic, I do as you asked and it leads me straight back to you” she muttered to herself, trying to distract from the thoughts of exactly what could happen. She knew full well this mission could be a complete failure, she could find no trace of Ben within this new man, he could tell her that he no longer loved her and break her heart, she could well be making the last journey she ever made alive, but nothing could stop her from trying her hardest to bring him back.

After a good amount of time walking, she finally found the entrance she needed to gain access to base. Using a newly developed device, she managed to hack the code and unlock the door with ease. As soon as she was inside, her blaster was raised and ready to shoot anyone that she came across. The dull grey corridors seemed to wind on like a maze, but she kept walking, managing to avoid contact with any First Order members or Stormtroopers. Just before turning one corner, she could hear the sound of Stormtroopers marching her way and as she stopped to avoid being noticed, something told her to change direction. So, allowing her intuition to guide her, she did just that.

Meanwhile, the news of an intruder on the base had just been picked up by General Hux who had sent a Stormtrooper to inform Kylo Ren. The Stormtrooper entered Ren’s personal chambers where he spent more and more time since completing his training, and waited to be given permission to speak.

“Well?” came the muffled electrical voice of Ren. He had lost his original mask when the planet exploded, but he had built himself a new once, determined to keep up that original fearful image.

“Sir, I have been sent by General Hux to inform you that we have a female intruder in the base. She is believed to be another Resistance member” he delivered his news and with a nod of his head, Ren dismissed him.

“I’ll take care of this myself” he spoke with spite in his voice as reached for his newly built lightsaber which resembled the original one. After the defeat on Starkiller, the emotions he had felt had left him, in his opinion, weak and pathetic. He felt he did not deserve to be under Snoke’s tutelage any longer, but was driven into a darker place mentally than ever before. Whatever light there was left was close to being blown out. His hatred for the Resistance had spiked and now he had no time for anymore spies, he needed no information but he certainly wanted to kill as many as he could. He stormed out of his chambers and searched for this doomed intruder. 

Ylainr was still following her instinct through the long and confusing corridors, unaware that her presence had been detected and now Stormtroopers as well as a murderous Ren were looking for her. As she turned one corner, she jumped slightly as she came face to face with a man dressed entirely in black, red lightsaber drawn and ready to kill. She was so close to pulling her trigger until between them, there was a moment of recognition, a connection that she had not felt so strongly since…

“Ben?” a small whisper escaped her lips, her gaze remaining fixated on this frightening and imposing figure before her, but her blaster was being lowered slowly. The shock of seeing him like this had left her completely numb. Ben himself was frozen completely to the spot – it was her. His Ylainr, grown into a beautiful woman, alive and well standing before him. He had no ability to speak, he did not know what to do. He felt inside him the light once more pulling at him, all because of seeing the one person he loved more than anything again. After a few moments of silence and them both trying to take in the other person, Ylainr moved slowly towards him very much aware of that lightsaber which was still activated. Ben couldn’t help but feel that love burning inside of him again and he felt as though she was almost beaming the light onto him. Ylainr moved closer, reaching out to Ben’s mask, Ben’s own lips parted as he went to speak but suddenly - the sound of blaster fire echoed through the corridor and the target let out a sharp cry of pain. Ylainr fell to her knees in front of Ben, having been wounded by a Stormtrooper who moved forward with another to capture the intruder. The two Stormtroopers as ordered both took hold of the now injured Ylainr and began to drag her away to a holding cell –

“Ben, please! Help me, HELP ME!” she cried out desperately, begging him to do something, her words were more like screams as she now genuinely feared for her life. But he did not respond. He was in so much shock that he could not move or speak or even think clearly, he remained in his place until Ylainr had been dragged out of view, her screams and cries for help still echoing back to him through the corridors. To everyone else, he may have looked completely frozen in time, but nobody could even imagine the emotions filling his body, the pain showing on his face behind the mask and the thoughts now running at light speed through his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the kudos and to the people especially who are sticking with this story. Now that we're out of the events of TFA, I hope you'll all continue to read and enjoy :) Please do leave a comment if you like what you've read, I really do appreciate people's feedback!


	9. Chapter 9

Kylo Ren, having finally managed to regain control of himself to an extent, stormed through the doors of his own private room. Pulling his helmet off desperately, he threw it against the wall with such a force it felt as though the room itself vibrated from the impact. His emotions were ranging through every part of his body and he could not handle it; so, he attempted to get rid of these feelings in the only way he knew possible, through letting out his anger. Reigniting his lightsaber once more, he slashed as at anything within his reach, sparks flying from every angle he had hit out at. Anguished cries so hoarse on his voice that it was surprising he could maintain them. He knew how to make anger external, but genuine pain was not quite so easy to expel from the body. The pain was not subsiding and so anger turned to frustration, frustration eventually gave way to that overwhelming pain and Kylo dropped his lightsaber to the floor as he angry screams became full volume sobs. Tears rolled down his cheeks uncontrollably, stinging at his scarred face as he slumped down in the corner of the room, his head held in his hands. He had no time to think of himself as weak and foolish now, all he could think of was Ylainr.

She had been right there, standing in front of him – all his fears of him having indirectly killed her as a teenager put aside, a great relief to see her alive and the wonder that was how beautiful she grown to be – and what had he done? Nothing. But oh her face, that beautiful face, so much fear in her eyes as those Stormtroopers had taken her away, the disappointment he could sense within her that as she begged for her life he did nothing. The light that he could feel radiating from her had latched onto him and he could feel it growing inside of him every minute that passed. Back when he turned to the dark side, he remembered how he was haunted by his longing of her forgiveness for what he had done, despite truly believing that it was what he had to do. He could not bear the thought of her not understanding why he did what he did and that was partly why he knew he had spared Rey, despite the repercussions that had since come around. If Ylainr knew that he had done that for her, perhaps she was not lost to him completely. Now however he believed all hope of that was lost – what kind of monster must she now think him to be, for him to have stood over her after witnessing her being wounded by a blaster shot, to not have even mustered up the decency to speak one word to him when he could feel how much love she still had for him, to have broken a promise once made long ago that would protect her no matter what life threw at them. He believed that he no longer deserved her in his life. The light which she had provided him with however, had other ideas. A familiar voice rang out softly through the quiet room. 

“Go to her, son” it was the voice of Han. The connection to the light had allowed him to finally speak to his son from the other side.

“I do not deserve her, Father” it was the first time Ben was winning out against Kylo since the day he had murdered Han, and the child within was desperate for his father’s words.

“She does not deserve to be alone without your protection, she needs you. Son, she loves you more than you could ever know, she hasn’t given up on you, so don’t you give up on her now. Keep that promise” the voice faded gradually, Ben’s face lifted from his hands hoping to see his father’s face before his. The guilt of what he had done to Han had felt like the weight of the world upon his shoulders and he often wondered what may have happened that day had he done what he originally intended: to give in to the pull of the light and go home. But that time could never be re-written now. He could change the course of Ylainr’s fate now though, he just had to step in somehow.

He thought to himself how he could go about getting her out of this mess without betraying his feelings to those around him and it was proving a difficult plan to make. No matter how much he wanted to love her, he knew he had to keep those thoughts and feelings buried as deeply as he could both for his sake and for hers. If Snoke could sense anything within him that would stop him from fulfilling his potential for darkness, if he knew of Ylainr’s importance, Ben knew he would be made to kill her, just as he had been his father. Ben knew he could not kill her, he could not even face the fact that she was already suffering and in pain because of him and he knew full well that if she didn’t die by his hand, Snoke would not hesitate to kill her himself. But how could he keep that compassion buried when all he could hear ringing in his ears were the desperate screams and pleas for help? To save her, he must put her first and ignore any desire for love and acceptance that he held inside of him. He would go and see her, deem her to be unimportant and order her to be taken somewhere and left, in the hope that the Resistance would find her and take care of her. He would no doubt never see her again, but she would at least live and go unharmed. Little did he know, his absence from the forefront of the interrogation process had not gone unnoticed by General Hux, and Ylainr was already in great danger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone for reading this! If you're enjoying please do subscribe, comment or leave kudos - it really does mean a lot that people are taking the time to read my ideas.


	10. Chapter 10

It had only been a few hours, but to Ylainr her time in a holding cell had felt like an eternity. Due to the absence of Kylo Ren, the one who was usually at the forefront of all interrogations, especially that of anyone associated with the Resistance, Ylainr had been left to suffer at the hands of General Hux. Her brief but emotional reunion with Ben and what transpired in those short moments had left her feeling numb to the world around her, but not enough to make her immune from Hux’s brutal methods. She was now left alone with her thoughts, in a cold dark cell feeling drained both emotionally and physically, her gaze fixated on a random part of a wall. The silence was slowly interrupted by the sound of heavy, determined footsteps drawing closer and closer before the doors of her cell opened, filling the room with almost blinding light that burned her eyes a little.

“Leave us” came that robotic voice of Kylo Ren through his helmet once more. The two Stormtroopers that had been stationed outside of Ylainr’s cell left the room immediately, not even staying to stand guard as they had originally been instructed. Kylo watched her for a while, still trying to believe that she was really here and trying to muster up the courage to say something. Her eyes never left that chosen spot on the wall, sat as still as could in total silence, she didn’t even look as though she had noticed his arrival.

“Ylainr…look at me” he asked, desperate for some kind of response. None came. He slowly walked over to her and crouched beside her frozen figure. “Look at me. PLEASE LOOK AT ME!” he became desperate, thinking her lack of response was because she must now completely hate him. He grabbed at her chin with his hand, forcefully bringing her face round to his own – it was the first time he had ever done anything close to hurting her and immediately he felt remorse for using any kind of force on her at all. But now, as he saw her face clearly he began to understand the real reason she would not look at him; her face was badly bruised, as was her chest and almost all other exposed area of flesh that Ren could see as he studied this awful sight in front of him. A trickle of dried blood lined one side of her face and all of the pain she had gone through was right there for him to see in her eyes. Hux had gone far beyond the necessary actions for an interrogation. He could also now see the extent of her original injury at the hand of the Stormtroopers, a patch of dried blood absorbed in her trouser leg made it clear where she had been hit. The contrast to that beautiful, perfect face he had seen only hours ago left him dumbstruck, unable to believe what he was seeing.

“What did he do to you?” he asked, his voice sounding even more broken than it was through the electrical distortion of his mask.

“Do I really need to explain?” Ylainr finally replied quietly, a single tear leaving her eyes. “He must have known I was important, or at least I was once. I think some of this was for you” she didn’t know whether she was trying to make him feel guilty for his lack of interference or whether she was trying to warn him of just how dangerous Hux’s resentment was. Kylo was mortified by her words, as well as by the fact that as he looked over her again and again, he kept finding new marks on the parts of her body he could see – he couldn’t begin to imagine the full extent of what Hux had inflicted on her and partly because of his hatred for him.

“Did you tell him anything?” he asked almost through gritted teeth, trying desperately not to lose his temper in front of Ylainr, she had been through enough without having to see that too.

“He stopped asking questions after the first few minutes. It wasn’t about getting information once he knew…” she started to well up, reliving the torture she had suffered in her mind. Ren could keep it in no longer, all of this was his fault.

“All those years ago, I promised to protect you. I promised!” his voice trembled under the weight of the anger inside of him, he rose to his feet once more and began pacing around the cell. It was in these moments of anger that moments which had caused him most guilt would tend to surface in his mind, and this time he began to think on what his father said on the bridge – perhaps Han had been right all along about him being used only for his power. They did not care about him as an individual, if they did why must he always sacrifice those he loved?

Ylainr was desperate to keep her Ben from getting absorbed in his anger any further, she knew it would only benefit Snoke and Hux’s cruel manipulation of him. She spoke softly –

“Take off the mask, Ben. I need to see your face again”. He stopped pacing and looked once more at her. He hesitated to do as she asked, but how could he deny her anything now after all she’s already been through? And so, he reached for the mechanism that released the helmet and slowly, almost timidly, did as Ylainr had asked. As their eyes met for the first time since that awful day years ago, they could both feel their connection stronger than ever. His beautiful deep brown eyes were just as wonderful as they had always been, his face was pale and scarred from his battle with Rey but he was still Ben, her Ben. That boy from her memory had grown into a beautiful man and she needed him back in her life, for good.

“You must hate me” he spoke softly, breaking the momentary silence, the sadness within clearly showing in his eyes.

“Come closer” Ylainr asked, he did so, crouching down to her level once more. As he did this, she placed her hand kindly on his face, a small smile came across her face and that moment of physical contact between them brought happy to tears to her eyes. “I could never hate you, Ben. Through everything, I have never once stopped loving you. Now that you’re here again, I’ve realised I never can stop”. She raised her other hand and placed it on the other side of Ben’s face, now framed in her gentle embrace. He almost flinched as she did this, he was so unused to physical contact but the touch was making him realise what he had sacrified all those years ago.

“I need you to come home with me Ben, I can’t lose you again. You want to honour that promise you made to protect me? Then leave with me now. I need you by my side or I have nothing to live for” she continued, looking him straight in the eyes, desperate to make him understand how much she needed him.

“If I leave with you, I can’t protect you, it would put you in more danger than ever” he looked down, shaking his head and taking Ylainr’s hands away from his face to try and stop that feeling he had of wanting to as she was suggesting.

“Ben, I have spent years wondering whether you left me to die that night, if you really wanted me to live, then I need you with me to do that” she looked deadly serious now with these words, it struck Ben hard and he pulled away from her, returning to standing and looking away from her; he was genuinely torn about what to do. The two stayed in their respective positions until in the silence Ylainr found the courage to ask the question which she had feared the answer to for too long.

“Do you love me?” she asked, her voice trembling with the fear of what the answer might be. Ben turned around sharply to regain eye contact once more, as if wanting to say yes there and then, but instead he hesitated again.

“I can’t” was the answer he settled on. Ylainr couldn’t help but feel a little crushed on the inside, but he had not said no.

“That’s not what I asked” she responded. They stared at each other, waiting for one of them to speak again – but their reunion was once again cut short.

The doors of the cell opened and in walked two Stormtroopers, accompanied by General Hux. As he entered the room, Hux looked straight at Ren’s face and upon seeing the tears that were in his eyes he realised that his little hunch about their new guest was correct. His face became smug and his smiled the vilest smile knowing that his most disliked ‘ally’ had seen what he had done to Ylainr.

“What is the meaning of this!?” Ren demanded, the spite and hatred in his voice was pure, and if looks had the ability to kill, Hux certainly wouldn’t be able to answer that question.

“I am here on the orders of Supreme Leader Snoke. He has requested the presence of the prisoner…as well as yours” Hux spoke through his disgusting smile. Ren felt a sinking in his stomach that almost made him feel sick; he knew that Snoke must have either sensed or been made aware of his connection the newly captured prisoner. That pull to the light within him was growing again, how could he serve and work with these people after what he knew they were about to put him through? The Stormtroopers walked over to Ylainr who had been watching helplessly the exchange between the man she loved and the man who had tortured her. They both pulled her up violently, their grip on her battered and bruised body made her let out a sharp cry of pain, the wound from their original blaster shot which had grazed the side of her leg began to bleed slightly again under the pressure of her standing. She was too weak to fight back or even argue now, but she had faith that this time Ben would not forget his promise.

As she disappeared from view, Hux and Ren were alone. Hux’s face still wore that smugness, believing that this was finally the time of Kylo’s downfall, whilst Ren’s face was still displaying the pure hatred he had for Hux. The two men shared a moment of eye contact where the hatred for the other burned into their eyes. Calmly however, Ren returned his face to a neutral expression before turning and following the others to Snoke. His choice had just been made for him, this was the end of Kylo Ren. But his feud with Hux was far from being over.


	11. Chapter 11

The Stormtroopers who had taken Ylanir from her cell entered the newly built projection room where Supreme Leader Snoke could make contact with both Kylo Ren and General Hux. He still kept himself removed from any direct contact with the First Order base, only seeing the two men in person when necessary. His towering hologram was already waiting for Ylainr, the Stormtroopers throwing her to the floor before leaving. If she could have stood in defiance, she certainly would have done – but the damage done to her leg from the blaster shot now made it difficult to stand at all. She looked up at the face of Snoke, taking in all of the deformity, the scars, the black empty eyes. For a moment she contemplated that one day this could have been Ben, completely driven by power until there was nothing left of his former self. Snoke looked down on her with just as much interest, trying to understand why she was the cause of so much trouble. The silence was broken quickly however by Kylo Ren’s entering the space; he looked over to Ylainr, admiring her courage for showing that defiance she could not show through standing instead in her eyes. Snoke wanted answers.

“I sense weakness in you Kylo Ren. Tell me, who is this insignificant woman causing your mind to stray?” he asked in his usual calm, emotionless manner, continuing to look over Ylainr.

“She is…no one to me. Perhaps once. But now she is just someone who the Resistance have talked into taking their side. She is not worth your time, Supreme Leader”. None of what Ren was saying was true of course and all three of them knew it. 

“We shall see” Snoke said, still calm as he turned his gaze more narrowly onto Kylo Ren now. Ren suddenly felt a sharp pain growing in the back of his head, a pain he was usually the one to cause. Snoke, somehow even through the hologram, was able to use his force powers to now look through his own apprentice’s mind – all of the memories which Ren had fought so hard to keep locked away had now been brought to the surface by Ylainr’s presence. Snoke could see everything, the memories from their childhood as they grew into young adults, the nightmares which had haunted Kylo Ren in Ylainr’s absence, even the encounter the two had just shared in her holding cell – everything. 

“LOVE?!” his powerful voice bellowed, echoing in the enclosed room. Snoke almost spat the word out at Ren as if were poison. He was enraged that still, after all of his guidance and teaching Kylo Ren was still weak and foolish enough to be blinded by something as pathetic as love.

“Clearly, your father was not sacrifice enough. You are still weak, allowing love to keep you from your full potential! The time has come, my apprentice, to commit yourself fully to the darkness. Pick up your lightsaber…and kill her now” there was danger in Snoke’s voice that showed how crucial these next moments would be.

Kylo Ren looked at his master and then slowly down at Ylainr who was now looking at him, maintaining a dignity he had never seen before in such a matter of life and death. The internal battle between Kylo Ren and Ben Solo was raging once more; he had this wonderful woman with him pulling him towards the light and making the right decision, but Snoke was there just as powerfully pulling him towards the dark side and his own ambition for power. Ylainr could feel that struggle within him again and began to fear that, just as she believed he had done with Han, Snoke would win over Ben’s mind again. Snoke however, displeased that Ren had not carried out his command straight away, was now using his powers to play with Ren’s mind, just as he had done over those years as he was growing up and when he first seduced him to the dark side. Ren was still looking at Ylainr, but behind the eyes he looked almost possessed and in that moment, Snoke really was winning. He ignited his lightsaber just as he was told and walked slowly over to Ylainr, his imposing tall, black figure looming over Ylainr who was trying to kneel up as much as she could. At this point, not even Kylo Ren himself knew if he was about murder the woman he loves. Ylainr was trying to raise herself to be as tall as she could on her knees and in a final attempt to quiet the darkness in Ben, she spoke with her usual soft, kind voice.

“Remember who you are Ben. Don’t do this, please. I love you” she stared straight into his eyes as she said those words. His body began to shake slightly, that feeling of being torn apart reaching its peak. He raised his lightsaber, ready to strike, Ylainr closed her eyes tight but moments pass and nothing had touched her. She could still hear that distinctive sound of the weapon, but as she opened her eyes she saw it was stationary in the air, albeit only a few frightening inches away from her face. She looked back up at Ben who had a look of horror on his face, finally managing to stop Snoke controlling him and realising what he was about to do. How could he have saved this woman all of those years ago, only to allow her to grow up and be killed by him at a later date? Ren shut the lightsaber’s power off and threw it aside.

“I won’t” he said, turning round to look his master directly in the eyes once more, his voice now filled with its own defiance. “All you’ve done is take away what I cared about. I’m not letting you take anything else from me”. Hearing this, Snoke’s face became one full of anger. 

“So be it…” was all he said. Ylainr began to feel a tightness growing in her throat, her breathing becoming more and more difficult. Ren turned back to her, knowing what Snoke was trying to do and as he went to move towards her, her body lifted up into the air, just out of his reach, Snoke still using the force to choke the life out of her due to Ren’s lack of compliance. 

“No! Kill me, not her, kill me!” Ren pleaded with his master, desperate to keep Ylainr alive he realised he would truly be willing to sacrifice his own life for hers. He could feel the life slowly fading from Ylainr but Snoke stopped. She fell to the ground, coughing and trying desperately to get the air back into her lungs. Ren’s breath itself had become almost short in his panic and he too tried to regain control. There was a moment of stillness and silence between the trio, Kylo Ren believed that he had convinced his master to take his life instead of hers, now he could be no more use to him. Snoke however, had not finished yet. Completely out of nowhere, Snoke moved his hand sharply, resulting in Ylainr flying through the room with a piercing scream until her body hit the wall with a great force, such a force that the sound of bones breaking echoed loudly.

“NO!” Ren screamed after her, rushing over to her now lifeless body which had landed awkwardly on the ground. He took her in his arms, desperate to find the faintest sign of life. As he stroked her hair he could feel something wet absorbing into his glove and when held it up, it was covered in blood. Her blood. He knew she was badly injured, as well as the bleeding from the back of her head, she was completely unconscious and had most likely suffered from broken bones due to the force with which she was thrown into the hard wall of the room. The decision now was easy. He had known all along that Rey and the others were still hiding their ship somewhere on the planet and he had to get Ylainr to them as quickly as he could. Closing his eyes, he used his powers to connect with Rey and make it known to her that she needed to get that ship to the main hanger and fast. It was all about Ylainr now.

“You are WEAK Kylo Ren!” Snoke shouted angrily, watching the person he believed to have so much potential cradling the body of this, in his opinion, unimportant woman as if it were the most precious thing in the world. And with that, the light was finally winning out. His back still turned to his now former master, Kylo spoke up for himself for the first time since he could remember.

“My name…is BEN SOLO. You made me Kylo Ren, you made me into a monster! You took away everything, and all for what?! It was never about me, it was always about you and your own ambitions! Well, I’m taking something back now and I promise you this – one day, I will destroy you!” he shouted back with just as much anger and power in his voice as Snoke himself had exhibited. The atmosphere in that contained room suddenly intensified as Snoke, now done with trying to win, began to use the force to kill Ben there and then, however Ben was using his own powers to fight back – this time though, it wasn’t through the dark side, it was through the love he could feel and his will to keep Ylainr alive. Ben was summoning more power than he had ever felt before, the light finally being allowed to shine through him enabled him to find the strength hold Snoke at bay and break the hologram projection leaving Snoke without a connection or power over the people in the room. “This is not over…” could heard faintly, as if a whisper just before the air felt normal again. Ben could hardly believe the rush of power he had felt inside of him, and the light felt as though it was healing the wounds the dark side had left on his soul. He looked back down at the lifeless Ylainr, through all of his concerns he took a small comfort in knowing she was at least still alive, he could feel it inside.

“Thank you” he whispered before kissing her softly on her forehead, lifting her in his arms and making his way to the hanger to hand his love over to Rey and the others.

Elsewhere on the base, General Hux had been informed by Snoke that Ren had escaped with the prisoner and was now a traitor the First Order. His orders were clear – capture him and keep him alive, an unimaginable fate was being planned for him. Hux was almost overjoyed by the news that his former colleague had finally fallen from grace and Hux was in a position to humiliate him and cause more pain than he could imagine. Masses of Stormtroopers had been deployed to hunt the two escapees down, time to get away from the base was running out. 

Upon reaching the hanger, Rey had managed to get the ship in and was ready and waiting for them. Seeing the state that Ylainr was in as Ben brought her closer, even she found it hard to look at the damage she had sustained.

“Please, take her, she needs help now” Ben said as he approached the ship.

Finn came down to help with getting Ylainr on board, taking her from Ben’s arms and Ben stood there watching her go out of his sight once more. At this time, he had no intention of going with them – why should they even offer to take him, he believed that he was too far gone into darkness to truly come back and be worthy of his family now. But Rey could sense the change in him, almost seeing that young man she now remembered from the Jedi academy in him.

“Come with us, Ben. She’s going to need you there when she wakes up” Rey said kindly, extending a hand of friendship out to him. The sound of Stormtroopers rushing towards the hanger were growing louder and coming from all directions now, and as Ben listened to them he considered saying no, instead staying to accept the fate he thought he deserved. But that would have been the easy option and this time, he was going to take the difficult road – the road that would take him home. If not for his own sake, he had to do it for Ylainr’s. He made the decision to leave behind Kylo Ren and the First Order, taking Rey’s hand and boarding the ship that would carry him towards his family.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A slightly shorter chapter, but I wanted to try and get the relationship between Ben & Rey established as they both mean a lot to Ylainr. The next chapter will be much longer and I will try and get that out hopefully within the next couple of days :) Thank you for reading!

The ship carrying everyone home was nearly at its destination. It was only a short journey back to the Resistance base, but the silence had made time almost freeze, especially to Ben. He was sat on the other side of the area where Ylainr was lying, afraid that he might somehow cause her even more harm. She was still unconscious, her breathing just about visible. He was starting realise what he had just done and his mind tried to take in every possible consequence of what was coming – he couldn’t help however feeling that whatever did happen, it was no less than he deserved. His trail of thought was brought a slight halt as he sensed Rey’s presence approaching. She had left Finn in control of the ship to make sure her once enemy was holding up after his big decision. Rey was hesitant to approach him, worried about just how much control he had over himself after all of the emotions that he had gone through in such a short time, worried that he may not have understood the gravity of the situation he was now in. She certainly knew the Resistance, however good their intentions may be overall, would never welcome him with open arms; most of them had likely suffered because of the First Order or even at the hands of Ben himself and that could make people do all kinds of things that they would never think of. 

“Look at her” Ben suddenly spoke up, quietly and softly, his eyes still fixed on Ylainr across the room. “This is all my fault”.

“She knew the risks. She would have done anything to bring you back” Rey tried to comfort him with her words, still keeping a slight distance from him. He didn’t respond. “She really does love you, you know that?”

“I don’t deserve it. She deserves so much better than this, than all the pain I have caused her” his eyes began to sting as tears were filling them, his voice trembling almost like a frightened child. Guilt for his past actions were creeping up on him all the time since the Starkiller, but this was the worst he had felt it. 

“You try telling her that” Rey laughed a little, trying to lighten the mood. She did truly pity him now, his vulnerability that had been hiding behind a mask for all those years now plain for all to see. “I could see it in her eyes, when she talked about you after I met her after Starkiller base, and now that I have my memories back from my childhood, I can remember the bond you two had. A bond like that, it’s never going to be broken” she sounded so sincere in her words it made Ben feel a hint of happiness again. Ylainr really did love him, and he would do everything he could to make himself worthy of it.

“I’m sorry. For everything” Although he was still looking at Ylainr, Rey knew that was meant for the both of them. After all, Rey had had her own fair share of suffering at his hands and now here she was offering him kindness. He finally turned to speak directly at her – “I’m glad she found you again. At least someone who she cared about was there for her when I wasn’t”. Rey found the courage to walk over to him and place her hand on his shoulder, wanting desperately to help this man become the boy she remembered again. 

“You did what you did. Now, if you truly want to move forward, Ylainr will stand by you all the way. And…so will I, if I can be of any help” Rey could see that Ben was still not used to being shown any compassion and he didn’t seem to quite know how to take her offer of friendship at first, but he gave a small nod to indicate a ‘thank you’. Rey smiled back down at him. “She’s going to be okay, you know. She’s so much stronger than people realise”. Ben turned back to looking over Ylainr’s resting body – she was going to make it through this and finally he would be able to tell her how he really felt, he’d be able to let out all of those feelings and emotions he had been forced to keep silent for all of the days since his turning against Luke.

“Rey? We’re approaching landing…help!” Finn’s voice rang through the ship, not wanting to get too close to the man he was struggling to as anyone other than Kylo Ren. Finn could handle it whilst in flight, but when it came to landing, his skills were not quite there. Rey gave a final smile at Ben, before rushing off to take control of the flying again.

Ben, upon realising how in just a few moments he would potentially be face to face with his mother again started to panic a little. He hadn’t even given his mother much thought since he got on the ship, but he knew this was just another challenge he must take on. If Ylainr still loved him, and now Rey was willing to show him compassion, surely his mother would somehow be able to still love her son and forgive all the awful things he had done. But he didn’t want forgiveness straight away, he had to allow that remorse and guilt be felt in memory of those he had wronged. Being distanced from the First Order now, he was already feeling less inclined to turn to the darkness for anything, and whilst a huge weight felt as though it had lifted from his shoulders in that Snoke was no longer being allowed to manipulate him, Ben knew full well that there were greater tests and challenges still to come his way.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the kudos/comments recently on this! It really does help to know that people are enjoying what I'm writing. I hope you enjoy this chapter, Ylainr and Ben really haven't had much time together in this story so far, but I promise there is a lot more of them together to come.

The ship landed back at the Resistance base where medics were already waiting to take the injured Ylainr towards help. They rushed on board, barely noticing the presence of Ben, lifting her gently onto a stretcher which they carried away. Members of the Resistance were already gathered to welcome back both Rey and Finn with open arms and cheers. As they left the ship, Poe had run over to the craft, having heard from Rey that Ylainr was not in a good way. The sight of her body took him completely by surprise – not even he could have imagined the state she was in – and it angered him greatly. He watched as she was taken towards the medical bay and he did so, the cheers and words of support from his fellow fighters fell silent. As he turned around to see what had happened, he was surprised to see Ben emerging from the ship, as it seems was everyone else. The air became tense; nobody knew exactly what to do. Rey and Finn looked at each other, concerned for what could happen next. Ben just stood there, a slight hint of embarrassment on his face, but also a desperation for someone to do something, no matter what it was, just to get it out of the way. 

Poe was the first to act, he stormed through the crowd of people, grabbed Ben and shoved him aggressively against the side of the ship. 

“What the hell did you do to her?!” he shouted; even if Ben had not directly attacked Ylainr, it was sure as hell his fault that she was in the condition she was.

“Poe! Stop it! This won’t help” Rey stepped up to defend the new arrival, not wanting him to make a scene of himself in his anger. “He didn’t do this. Hux and Snoke did. Despite your personal emotions right now, remember who he is and who he matters to.”

The two men were staring at each other harshly, unsure of what to do. Poe loosened his grip slightly, but he wasn’t just going to let Ben off lightly. 

“She deserves better than you. I’ve seen what you can do to people first hand, I’m not just going to let you be around her whilst she’s fighting for her life, again because of you. There are plenty of people here who have suffered because of you and I have half a mind to let them at you, here and now. But seeing as you are the General’s son and Ylainr does love you…” he ushered over two more men, both taking one side of Ben’s body. “Take him to the cells” he instructed. 

Bens face returned to being emotionless, he deserved it, he deserved a lot more than a prison cell. He looked briefly at Rey and spoke – “Make sure Ylainr is alright. And if...when she wakes up, tell her I’m sorry”. The two men who had hold of Ben aggressively took him away, Rey watched on feeling completely helpless. 

“Poe what are you doing?! Leia wouldn’t want him there!” Rey spoke quietly but urgently. Leia would never want her son in a prison, despite what he had done in the past. 

“It’s as much for his protection as it is for theirs. I don’t trust him Rey, after everything I’m supposed to believe he can just turn back into a good man? He deserves to be punished and that is exactly what everyone else standing around on this base is thinking. He needs to be somewhere he can’t hurt anyone, as well as somewhere no one who might want to do horrific things to him. We might be fighting for good, but no one is immune to wanting revenge” even in his anger, Poe was still trying to protect Ben. Leia had known too much grief in her life for her to see her own child destroyed by the people who fought for her, especially as he was so close to being the son she remembered. 

“You’re a good man, Poe Dameron. I believe he can change, he already has. We have to try and put aside our own previous experiences with Kylo Ren and for Leia, and especially Ylainr, believe like them that Ben will be able to fully come back” she smiled, trying to help calm the tension she could see in his face. He had never wanted to go against Leia, but neither did he ever want to risk Ylainr being in danger. He had to have the faith that Rey seemed to possess.

“So. Who’s going to tell her?” Poe asked, knowing that Leia was eagerly awaiting news of whether her son had finally come home.

***  
There had been an eerie quietness in his cell since he was left there. He had expected to hear people rushing around, trying to plan another attack on the First Order whilst they were already dealing with the problems his departure had left. But no, only the occasional passer-by could be heard, some of them muttering what he imagined were words of hatred or perhaps threats meant to for him. None of that phased him as much as the anxious feeling that was the wait to see his mother. Perhaps she would not come, perhaps she did not want to see him. He wouldn’t blame her if she didn’t, but in his heart he wanted to see her again. The child within needed his mother to tell him that he had done the right thing, that everything was going to be alright. The anxiety had made his start pacing around the confined room, until the sound of the door opening stopped him in his tracks.

Ben turned to face the figure now standing in the room with him – her small frame, that familiar yet stranger-like face, those eyes who he had known forever. Leia closed the door behind her and stood there, looking over the man her child had grown into. All she could feel in her heart was love, no anger, no sadness, just joy that her son had returned to her. Ben could feel the love radiating from her, but he could not help feeling guilty for everything that he had put his mother through over the years. His eyes filled with tears, she was so strong to love him after what he’d done, he wished he could have been as strong as her when it came to denying the darkness within him. Neither of them knew quite what to say, but Leia wanted to hold her son in her arms again, so walked over slowly and embraced him. Ben at first didn’t know what to do, but the urge to hug her back overwhelmed him and the two sank to the floor, tears of relief and joy flowing from them both.

“My son, my beautiful son. You’ve come home” Leia spoke softly through the overwhelming happiness she was filled with. 

“I am so sorry, so so sorry” Ben wanted her know that. He could not say sorry enough. “I should never have done what I did, to any of you. I was so afraid that you had sent me away because you didn’t want me. Everyone else in this family had done something great, but what could I have done to match that? I could never have done what you and father had done, never be what Luke was and I was afraid that I would lose you all, that I would be a disappointment. Snoke saw that fear and turned me into a monster”

“Shh, Ben, it’s okay, you’re home, you’re safe. We’re going to make everything okay together” her words of reassurance worked like magic, calming Ben enough to not feel full of guilt constantly. 

“I have done so much that can never be forgiven. But I need your help to make everything right, I need you to help me be better” he smiled at his mother, who was smiling back at him.

“We will do this, as a family” she leant forward and kissed Ben’s forehead. She dared not blink and allow her eyes to close for a second out of fear that this was just a dream.

“Ylainr…is she alright?” Ben asked.

“She will be, son. Her condition is stable. There are a few fractured bones, her leg has been treated where the blast wound is. Her head has stopped bleeding; it did need a few stitches but the superficial injuries will go down quickly. What happened to her?” Leia realised Bens face was becoming more worried as she was casually reeling off a list of injuries, so thought it best to change the topic slightly.

“She was shot when she found me. Then she was taken away and tortured by Hux, not for information but to get to me. Then when Snoke found out, he tried to get me to kill her. I couldn’t do it, I…I love her. He used the force to send her flying through the air until she impacted the wall, the sound when she hit – it was awful. Then when I saw the blood from her head, I truly thought I’d lost her but she’s so strong” he almost sounded proud in that moment, proud that such a strong woman still chose him.

“Oh yes, she certainly is strong. She never once gave up on you Ben. She could feel the light in you, she said that she could feel the conflict in you that night when you…when your father died” Leia had wanted to avoid bringing this up, but she had gotten carried away.

“She…she felt that?” Ben asked, concerned.

“Well…it was more like she saw it. She said it was like she was there, an invisible spectator”

“I never knew the connection had gotten that strong…” Ben looked as though he was searching for an answer as to why. “When we were younger…I used to look through her mind whilst she slept. Once Snoke started to manipulate my fears, I believed that I had already lost my family, so I became afraid of losing Ylainr too. I had to make sure she was telling the truth when she told me she loved me, I had to make sure she wasn’t going to leave. Perhaps that’s why she could see? I unintentionally created a connection I never understood”. He had hesitated to tell his mother this, he had never told anyone that he used to invade Ylainr’s mind out of fear that she was lying to him. Leia now understood just how deep the fear in him was back then and it made sense that Snoke could have manipulated him so easily.

“Come on, you two have been apart long enough” Leia smiled at him and ushered him to stand up and follow her.

“Where are we going?” he asked, almost afraid of leaving his cell.

“To Ylainr, of course. After all that she’s been through, she will need you there when she wakes up. I’m sure you will have a lot to discuss” he nodded and followed her. As they approached the door to the medical bay, Leia spoke up once more – “Ben, make sure you tell her that you love her. You said you feared losing her all of those years ago, she’s spent every day since afraid that you had stopped loving her. Make those fears go away, for both of you” she smiled again and stood back, nodding to the door behind which Ylainr was sleeping. Ben smiled back at her, took a deep breath and walked towards the room. There was so much that he needed to say to her, at least while she slept, he could think of the right words to express every thought and emotion that had been locked up in his mind since the dark side had claimed him.


	14. Chapter 14

The room was dimly lit, with the sound of various medical machinery working to help with Ylainr’s recovery. She was dressed in a plain white gown, her copper hair falling down the side of her face and shoulders – Ben couldn’t help but think how innocent she looked. This was the way he remembered her; peaceful, beautiful and incredibly innocent. He approached her bed quietly, taking care not to disturb her. A seat had been placed next to her, ready for him. As he sat, he felt as though time had been wiped away and they were back at the Jedi academy, him watching over her as she slept, desperate not to lose her. He thought over how in the end, rather than losing her it had in fact been his own actions that forced him to push her away and he regretted it immensely. There was a whole other life that he could have led if he had just believed that she loved him, that his family did truly want him without him needing to live up to anything they might have achieved. His hand instinctively reached out for hers, but he decided against it, afraid he might do her further harm without meaning to.

“Well…here we are again” he spoke quietly, softly, still not wanting to wake her up, but he had so much to say and for now, this was the only way he could find the courage to say it. “At least now, I don’t have to read your mind to know you meant it when you said you loved me. I must have been blind to ever doubt you. But Ylainr, you have to understand, I was so afraid, all the time. Snoke had made me believe my family didn’t want me, how could I not be scared of losing you too? Then, when Luke began to notice, began to realise – he told me I had to stop, that it was not the Jedi way and he said that this was what sent my grandfather down the path of the dark side. I always thought he meant loving someone, but it wasn’t that. He had already sensed my fear. So him telling me to let you go just made that fear worse, and it turned to anger and hate just like he said it would. Then came the suffering…and all of it was my own doing. He didn’t want me to stop loving you, he wanted me to stop being afraid of losing you but it was too late, the fear was there”

As he spoke, he could feel the weight of a thousand sleepless nights, of years of suppressed emotions being lifted from inside him. “I have held so much guilt within me over the years for what I have done that I did not believe there was a way back for me, so I just continued. I allowed the darkness in more and more until this new person I barely knew grew inside of me. And now I am free of him, I can accept the guilt, accept the regret of so many years and embrace the pain I’ve tried to push away. All of that started the moment I walked away from you. Ever since Snoke appeared in my life, all I have done is lost the things I have cared about…and for what?”

That question had been playing on his mind since she re-entered his life. It had all been for nothing for him. The thoughts of what might have been zoomed through his mind and as the hours went on, his eyes grew heavy, eventually giving in to the overwhelming desire to sleep and do so easily.

* * *

 The bright light of the morning sun shone through the window of the medical bay. The feeling of light trying to get through to her eyes woke Ylainr slowly and softly. For someone who had seen little natural daylight in the last couple of days, it made it difficult for her to focus on where exactly she was. She blinked a few times, trying to get her eyes to see clearer, turning her head slowly away from the window until she looked down to see a familiar face resting on the side of her bed, sleeping. “Is this heaven?” she thought to herself, not quite believing that Ben was there with her. Ylainr lifted her hand, the pain still shooting through her body but she did not care, as she placed it on Ben’s head to check he was real. And he was, he was there and it was real. Her happiness brought a tear of joy to her eye as she ran her fingers through that thick dark hair of his, just as she had done back when it was her watching him sleep as teenagers. The sensation of her touch awoke him gently and as he came to, he was filled with joy to see that beautiful face smiling back at him – she looked even more stunning in the sunlight.

As he sat up, he reached for her face, hesitantly as always, Ylainr having to give him a nod as if to say ‘go ahead’. The two of them laughed together in their happiness.

“You’re alright! You’re awake! I thought I was going to lose you” the two rested their foreheads together, the desire to be close after such a long separation was strong. Ylainr closed her eyes, knowing she did not need to fear it being a dream any longer. “Thank you, for never giving up on me. For having the faith in me that I did not believe anyone could have had” he was so happy and it showed in his voice. It was almost as though he had forgotten how to be happy.

“I never stopped loving you, not once. The one thing that has kept me alive all of these years was the hope that you’d come back to me one day, so that we could have that life we had always talked of” And now here he was, right where he belonged. She knew it would never be an easy life with him now, the First Order were most likely already thinking of some kind of way to find the man who was now a traitor to them, but whatever he had to face in the future, Ylainr intended to be right there with him. She embraced him, holding him in her arms. At first Ben did not return the embrace, it not being something he had a natural impulse to do after so long without any real human contact, especially of the romantic kind. Ylainr noticed this, fearing he still could not see himself beyond the image of Kylo Ren.

“You know, you can touch me and not harm me. You are just a person like me, you are not a monster like you may have been led to believe by those who just wanted to use you. You are not unworthy of love, please know that”.

Her words truly touched his heart in that moment, he finally did hug her back, burying his face in her hair and neck. Ben held her close and tight but was still gentle – he was never letting her go again, at least not in the sense that meant leaving her behind.

“There was not a day that went by where I didn’t think of you. That’s why I could never really become one with the dark side, you were always there, calling me home. You were the light that called to me and I can’t thank you enough for being there”. Hearing this filled Ylainr’s heart with joy, all of those fears that she had about him no longer loving her could be put to rest. Ben pulled away from her slightly, just enough to stare into her glistening blue eyes and after a few moments, he found the courage to initiate that first kiss in so many years. How long he had wanted to do that. It started off hesitant, soft and innocent but it quickly became more passionate as these two people who should never have been separated from each other were eager to make up for lost time, ready now to take on the future together.  
“I can make it right now, with you beside me, I can do anything. I promise you I will never let you go again” he took her hand and held it, as if to prove that he truly intended to keep this promise. “This time, I will truly finish what my grandfather started”. Ylainr kissed his hand, accepting the promise - “And I will be there by your side the whole way.”


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this hasn't been updated for a while, life got a little bit busy. Hopefully this will be updated more regularly now and I hope you all continue to enjoy!

_Ylainr waited as she had done almost every night for the last few weeks in a clearing away from the Jedi training camp. This has started the night that she and Ben confessed to each other their true feelings, realising that the two of them were no longer just friends, but they had fallen completely for each other. Tonight however something was off, Ben was late. Ben was never late for their secret meetings. She felt a little nervous that perhaps he was not coming, maybe he had changed his mind – they were still young after all, perhaps he didn’t feel quite as strongly for her as she did for him. She didn’t have time to focus on those worries for long though as the sound of movement coming towards her broke her thoughts. Ben arrived at the clearing, looking somewhat tense as though trying hard to conceal an anger in him._

_“I was worried you weren’t coming…” Ylainr said softly, smiling gently to try and ease the stress she could see in his face. That smile could always soften him._

_“I…sorry, I was held up. I’d never miss this for anything” he said back to her, trying to relax as much as he could. He walked towards her, taking her face in his hands and kissing her forehead. “We should go, make the most of the clear sky, the stars are shining are brightly as you tonight”_

_“Oh Ben, you make me laugh. That shy little boy I first met really has grown up. You can keep the compliments like that coming though, I like them” she joked cheekily. There was a time when Ben could barely speak to her, now here he was, praising her like this. It made her happier than she ever knew she could be. Ben took her hand with a smile and the two ran towards the edge of a ridge that overlooked the Jedi camp and gave the best view of the night sky. The two of them lay on the ground, staring up at the vast space that surrounded them. So many planets, stars – to Ylainr, they all represented the possibility of a different life away from the training camp. She was grateful for Luke taking her in, but she wanted normality._

_“It’s all so…vast. Just think of all the places we could go together, the infinite amount of things there are to see. Once all the training is over, once we’re grown up, I want us to visit everywhere we possibly can. Then one day…I want to find a quiet little planet, somewhere green with flowers and a nice home away from everyone else. I want somewhere to just exist in peace and quiet, I wouldn’t need to carry on exploring…not if you were with me. You’re like my greatest adventure” Ylainr spoke so hopefully about the future, her hopes, her dreams, a life with Ben. He wanted that too. But after the conversation he had just had with Luke, that dream felt like it could never be reality._

_The reason Ben had been late to meet Ylainr was because Luke had tried to prevent him from going; he had realised the two of them had fallen in love and he was worried about what that could do. Ben had already suffered with his emotions, believing his parents had sent him away because they did not want him, him feeling as though he had to prove himself to his own family in order to be worthy of them, and now his love for a girl who he was growing to fear would not always feel the same. He thought Luke was telling him to leave her, to cut her off because love was not the Jedi way, that he should just be focussing on his training. But his training would never be enough for him, he needed a greater purpose in life than to just be another Jedi and Ylainr, he believed, gave him that purpose. The thought of giving her up before they had even truly begun hurt him deeply. Something changed in him that night, he struggled to see Luke as his uncle, he was now just his master trying to keep happiness from him. This was the night that everything began to change. The fear of losing Ylainr over time combined with the anger of Luke trying to deny him that life he dreamed of began to grow something dark within him._

* * *

A few weeks since the events that brought Ben home had passed, and Ylainr was on the road to recovery. Her injuries sustained at the new First Order base had improved enough for her to walk around with minimal discomfort, although they were not yet completely healed. Ben had barely left her side the entire time and the two of them had never been happier than they were in the moments they had been able to rekindle their relationship. Tonight, Leia was making the most of the lack of activity from the First Order since Ben had turned his back on them and was holding a small gathering in honour of Ylainr and to celebrate the return of her son. Leia had felt so many emotions since his return, the pain of so many lost years as well as regret for Han no longer being with them, but the presence of her son lifted her and made her stronger than ever before as a General.

It could not be denied that the atmosphere of the gathering was still tense; many members of the Resistance wanted to please their General, for whom they had the utmost respect. However, their individual lives and sufferings at the hand of the First Order was hard put aside, especially now that someone who had likely had a personal hand in their misfortunes now lived amongst them. The conversation had quietened the moment Ben had entered the room, he himself was just as unwilling to be there. No matter how hard he tried, he could not fully adapt to this new life, these new surroundings, the fact that he had some kind of family now. After so many years alone, solitude was like a comfort to him.

“Can’t you feel how tense the air is?” he said quietly to Rey, his face blank, although a slight hint of discomfort and almost anger was evident in his voice. “None of them want me here. I shouldn’t _be_ here”

“Well, whether they like it or not, you belong here with your mother and Ylainr. Family comes first in everything now Ben. Your mother certainly won’t let you get away again” Rey responded, her usual humour and kindness was like a magical gift she possessed when it came to calming anyone down. “You made a huge decision that took courage when you came back here. Everyone will come to see that in time”

“It’s still there though Rey. That darkness, I can feel it trying to fight back every day. If it wasn’t for Ylainr…” his voice trailed off at the sight of the very person he was speaking of as she entered the room. Ylainr was dressed in a beautiful pale dress which against her pale skin and bright copper hair made her look more like an angel than a human.

“Doesn’t she look beautiful?” Rey perked up at the sight of her close friend, even she had never seen Ylainr looking like this, she looked majestic, like royalty. Her face still wore scars from her encounter with Snoke but nothing could take away from her beauty. Ben looked at her and almost saw another life that they could have had, where he, the son of a princess could have married his childhood sweetheart, making her the vision of a princess he now saw before him. He could not say anything to express how much he loved her in that moment.

“Ah! My dear girl, finally you have arrived. Ladies and gentleman, I would like to say a few words now that we are all here” Leia took Ylainr’s hand on greeting her and directed her over to Ben who she could see standing dumbstruck over in the corner.

“You look…beautiful” Ben whispered to her.

“You can still keep those compliments coming as much as you like” she laughed without looking at him, that personality of the girl he remembered shining through once more.

“Now, of course I’d like to thank all of you for coming. Tonight, we are here to celebrate two very important people. Firstly, my dear Ylainr – the girl who had been like a daughter to me. Despite your suffering, you found the courage to come back to the world of the living and go after what you loved. And you brought him home…I can’t _ever_ thank you enough for that. So, to you Ylainr, our gratitude and our hope for your full recovery to come quickly. To Ylainr!” the gathering repeated the last words and raised a glass to her happily.

“And of course…to Ben who I cannot express how happy I am that he is here with us now. You are my son and I love you very much. This is your home and you will always be welcome here” her eyes were filling with tears a little, inside she only wished that Han was by her side as she welcomed her son back into the Resistance.  Ben could see the pain she was trying hard to conceal and it hurt him deeply knowing that the thing that had destroyed his mother’s dream was himself. His body began to tense slightly as the guilt surged through him, combining with the already uncomfortable feeling that the gathering was giving him. How could she still be so kind to him after everything he had done? That little bit of darkness preyed on his guilt and made it hard for him to really accept this new life. Ylainr, sensing his tension, subtly took his hand without again looking at him; just the small gesture of her hand on his was enough to help keep him calm and keep that darkness at bay.

“Can we leave?” Ben whispered to her once more.

“If it will help, then of course” she whispered back, turning to face him and allow him to lead the way. Ben looked at Rey and gave her small nod to convey that the two of them were leaving and they slipped away from the gathering quietly.

The fresh air was extremely welcome by both Ben who felt able to breathe freely again, as well as to Ylainr who had been so limited in her ability to leave her medical room over the past few weeks. The air was still and quiet, just as it had been back at the Jedi training camp all those years ago.

“Ben, are you alright?” Ylainr asked taking his hand and leaning her head on his shoulder.

“I’m er…fine I suppose. There’s somewhere I want to take you, do you trust me?” he asked resting his chin on top of her head. He had become more used to physical contact again now, and he enjoyed the moments when it was just him and the woman he loved alone together in the peace of the evening.

“Of course I trust you! Lead the way” she smiled up at him, gesturing with her free hand to take her wherever he wanted to.

They walked in silence, happy just to be in each other’s company – words were not always necessary between them. After not too long, Ben stopped and turned to look back at Ylainr, who had become aware of a strange familiarity of the location.

“Well, here we are…” he said hesitantly, unsure whether or not she would understand why he had brought her here. She couldn’t help but remember how similar this place was to that spot overlooking the Jedi training camp where the two younger versions of themselves would sneak off to at night.

“This certainly brings back memories…and feelings. All those nights we had to run out here just to be able to feel what we did back then. I can’t tell you how wonderful it is to be able to love you freely now, Ben” she smiled and embraced him, happy to know that he had hung onto the same memories that she had even through his time of darkness.

“Do you remember the last time we did that?” he asked, his face looking solemn as that was the night before Kylo Ren took over.

“I do. You were distracted that night. I suppose now I understand why…”

“I was late to you that night because Luke told me I couldn’t love you. He knew how much I feared losing you and I thought he was just trying to stop me from being with you, but I understand now, he was trying to protect me from Snoke. You spoke so hopefully that night about us having a life together and moments before someone had told me I could not allow that to happen. It killed me inside to know I wouldn’t be able to give you that life, no matter how much I wanted it too…” that slightly agitated tone that crept into his voice that night all of those years ago was back, but this time it was because he now understood that he had possessed the power to choose that life all along – no one could tell Ben Solo who to be or what to do any longer.

“And…do you still want it? That life?” Ylainr’s eyes lit up, that dream life felt like a possibility once again and her heart was filling with hope.

“More than anything. Ylainr, I promise you this – I intend to do whatever I can to make that dream of ours a reality. Once this war is over, once the First Order have been destroyed and no one can harm you ever again, we’ll find that perfect spot for just us to live together, for us to have that place we can call _our_ home. The force, dark and light, all that will be just a story we were a part of for a while. I just want you”

The joy in Ylainr’s heart was evident on her face. For all of those years since she thought she had lost Ben, this is all she had longed to hear. Her eyes filled with tears of happiness and she let out a laugh, one so full of joy and infectious that even Ben couldn’t help but smile. Ylainr walked towards him and held his face in her hands.

“Ben Solo…you’ve come back to me…” and with that the two shared a kiss so passionate that they knew this was all truly real. They were back in this dream together and they would do whatever it took to make it a reality.


End file.
